A Conan Exiles Crimes guide will prove useful if interpreting these befuddling terms perplexes you. After all, when I made my first Conan character, I wanted to dive deep into who I would roleplay as.
When I create a character, I always choose a different name, a different personality, and a different look. Although my thralls always end up looking like a beefy Pete Wentz, I seek variety with my character.
That includes crimes. Sometimes, my crimes are simple things like punching a camel. Other times, I get really into it, free slaves and incite riots, fake arguing politics in-game with clan mates. In Conan, there are crimes to suit anyone.
Crimes in Conan Exiles
Crimes do not affect anything in Conan Exiles. They are, by default, randomly selected, though I play with the mod (Improved Quality of Life) that lets you customize them. No one is going to think about what you’ve done twice. After all, you were crucified for your sins and rescued by the game’s namesake, Conan.
All your sins may be forgiven, but unlike in other games, it’s nearly impossible to live a life free of crimes in Conan Exiles. That’s why I like to pick crimes I can play into, as roleplaying characters is one of my favorite things to do.
Violent Crimes in Conan Exiles
Violent crimes are easy to understand. They are given to violent criminals whose answer to everything is brutality. To be honest, it suits the era and theme, but I usually stray away from them.
Assassinating a Merchant
In the Exiled Lands, merchants are usually Relic Hunters in Sepermeru. However, there are a few random merchants that sell valuable items, such as the Sand Reaper Egg (Pet) in Flotsam. Was he the one you murdered?
Decapitation of a Priest
I almost put this in the Crimes Against the Sanctum, but I think murder trumps religion. There are plenty of priests across the Exiled Lands that you can force to submit to you, granting bonuses to your altar.
This is one of the least violent crimes in the violent crimes section. It suggests you were in a barfight, likely a consensual one that the two of you had fun with. I hardly call that a crime, but here we are.
Fixing Gladiator Matches
While you weren’t violent, you did encourage gladiator fights only to rig them. That is not cool and is also a Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater Crime. If you’re gonna make your thralls fight, at least make it a fair one.
Mutilation of a Guardsman
Maybe you were resisting arrest, or maybe you were infiltrating a prison. The point is that you tore up some guard that was probably just doing his job. Or at least that’s what he told them.
Murdering a Magistrate
This may or may not be related to your other crimes. But you definitely murdered a judge, which only made things worse. Maybe you thought you could get away with it, but you didn’t.
Punching a Camel
Camels can be aggressive, but if treated right, they are generally friendly. So there’s no excuse for punching a camel, so if you buy another from Urik, Master Tamer, please treat it well.
Strangling a Moneylender
Moneylenders are shady creatures. So there’s probably a huge story behind why you strangled one. He cheated you or a clan mate, most likely, but it could also be that you’re a tyrant, and so you did so on principle.
Sullying a Virgin
Go to Duzakh, you nefarious person. The implications of this crime are easy to understand and are way worse than getting into a barfight. My only hope is that the implications are misunderstood and this is instead a consensual act criminalized by archaic views.
The fact that they had to make it clear that the dismemberment was “unauthorized” marked me laugh. Is there authorized dismemberment in Conan? Like, okay, you have a permit to cut off Razma’s leg; go for it.
Cheater-Cheater Pumpkin-Eater Crimes
These are your typical thieves guild crimes that are hardly worth the death penalty. More than likely, you did these to the wrong person after doing them too many times to people without social status.
Banditry implies that the crime is violent, but banditry is not a violent crime. It just means that you’re an armed outlaw. You may never use the weapons, but you’ve probably threatened to do so.
Cheating at Dice
Another cheat in our midst trying to swindle his way through life with quick fingers and a watchful eye. I’m not super offended by this, although cheating at games is a huge pet peeve of mine.
Sticky fingers finally got caught. If you were crucified for pickpocketing, then you picked the wrong pockets. Maybe you stumbled through Sepermeru and got a little too curious about the Relic Hunters.
The term “piracy” has changed, but in the time of Conan, it was the act of sailing an unregistered ship (usually stolen), usually intent on stealing goods from other ships. But that crime is as vast as the ocean.
Bribing a Watchman
The reason for bribing the watchman is more important than the act. One could lead to a crime like treason or thievery, while the other could lead to a crime such as murder. You get to choose that reason.
So you got a little dirt on someone a little too important, and it came back to bite you. For some reason, blackmail is a crime (even today), even if the information you’re withholding is true. But it’s the intent of trading that information for something that is a crime.
Swindling a Baron
Whenever you’re working with a landowner in this era (or any ancient era), it’s a good idea not to get ahead of yourself and con money from him. Otherwise, you’ll end up seeing the full extent of their power.
Your Grandmother’s Crimes
These crimes would make your grandmother so disappointed in you. But anyone else in this Cimmerian era would probably make fun of you for not having at least one violent crime.
Breaking an Oath
An oath is a serious promise made under God that should hold above the law. But you made one of those and broke it. Because it’s an oath, you made it to another human, acknowledging God is watching. Unlike a vow, which is directly to God.
Breaking a Pinky Promise
A pinky promise is not made to God (unless your God has pinkies available for promising). Instead, a pinky promise is made to someone dear to you. Which makes this even more sinful.
Breaking the Fourth Wall
Breaking the fourth wall is left to Deadpool and, strangely enough, She-Hulk. But you broke the fourth wall, likely confusing everyone, leading them to believe you were some type of witch.
In Conan, there are various combos you can use to maximize damage. But you didn’t do this. Somehow, this led to the death penalty. Because if you’re going to be violent, you might as well do it right.
Planking the Walk
What started out as a really great core workout turned into a meme not that long ago. I believe that’s what this is referring to. So you found a walkway somewhere and did the plank?
Poor Use of Punctuation
Step aside, the language police have entered the building. Watch your language!?.! You were arrested and put to death because you, a nobody living in the Cimmerian age, had bad grammar.
Singing Bawdy Ballads
Your grandma would be embarrassed if she heard you sing the tunes you sang. But she really should be proud of your passion and lyrical genius. Guess the officials agreed with grandma, and now you paid for it.
Skulduggery and Buggery
These words are more fun than they sound, but they’re still pretty fun. Skulduggery refers to using underhanded and tricky means to get what you want. You definitely don’t want to know what the other term refers to. Though at one time, it was referred to as sodomy.
Spreading Malicious Rumor
This is cold. You probably ruined someone’s life with your rumors. The person may have deserved it, but they also may have been innocent. Never spread rumors, only spread the truth, then you won’t get accused of blackmail either. Win-win.
Villainy and Rascality
I imagine this to be the vaguest and silliest crime of all. For this crime, I think of Megamind. A villain who is one just for the sake of the title and fun gadgets. But in reality, you’re probably kind of a doof.
What a Jerk Crimes
Only true dunces commit these crimes. There aren’t many of them, but if you do commit them, you are one of these people that your “friends” avoid in public because you have the inability to read social cues.
Contaminating a Well
Is there any other way to take this except that you urinated in the entire region’s water supply? Being drunk is no excuse for this foolery, especially considering most of the Exiled Lands is a desert.
Are we really going to do this again? Did you use cultural appreciation as an excuse? Not that it doesn’t exist, but you were probably arrested for it for a good reason. Ignorance does not cover a multitude of sins.
Destruction of Property
You destroyed someone else’s property. You may have gotten into a fight with them, or you accidentally ran over it with a rhino. The point is you are the reason we can’t have nice things.
This is more comical than it is criminal, but due to the times, this would be considered quite wrong. Maybe you slept around, maybe you did drugs, or maybe you liked rock and roll before it was cool.
Defecating on a Statue
I don’t care what the statue was of, you have to know someone who doesn’t deserve to have to clean that up is going to. Keep your defecations to yourself and find a new way to vandalize the statue.
You Sick Monster Crimes
These crimes are seen as disgusting by the majority of the population. Though some of them are worse than others, most of them are things that are better kept to yourself.
Corrupting the Youth
This has so many meanings. Does it mean taking them to an R-rated movie, teaching them about your religion, or critical race theory? So vague, which gives you so much creative liberty.
Fornicating with Low Beasts
Low beasts isn’t exactly a term that’s easy to decipher, but it probably refers to pigs and other similar animals. After you connect the dots, good luck finding out how to use this to your advantage without being exiled from your clan.
Now, this is a cause I can get behind. When I choose a crime, it’s difficult for me not to choose this one. How is it ever a bad thing to free slaves? I know it was worth the cost every time.
Inciting a Riot
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na, I wanna start a fight! So I probably wouldn’t start a riot, as protests are more my style, but I do enjoy making my character a rioter. It’s an easy thing to roll with.
Laying with Beasts
I’m unsure about the difference between “Fornicating with Low Beasts” and “Laying with Beasts.” However, this one seems much less graphic, so I prefer it whenever I get random crimes.
So after a few restraining orders, your harassment caught up to you. You may see it as a few rude comments or forceful interest in another party. But someone saw it as offensive and felt very uncomfortable.
Lewd Behavior with Corpses
So, this is your business, but ew. I hope that you were drunk because necrophilia isn’t and never will be okay. Find yourself a nice living interest that’s just as creepy as you are next time.
Pegging with a Peg Leg
Let’s not go into detail on this one. You did some dirty things with a pirate, and you were arrested for it. But hey, if it was consensual and in private, the officials really should have left you alone.
Slave Taking Without a Permit
This could go either way. Either you took someone as a slave without having a permit. Or you freed a slave. Since there are two ways to go, this gives you more room to make up an intriguing story.
Crimes Against the Sanctum
Religious leaders and devout followers often see these as the worst crimes, even when those who committed the crimes aren’t followers. Whether you did these out of hate or boredom is up to you.
Defiling a Sanctum
There are sanctums for each god in Conan Exiles. Whenever you took a look at one (of your choosing), you decided that it would look better with a bit of vandalism. Super disrespectful, but should you have gotten the death penalty?
Defiling a Temple
This is similar to the previous crime. A temple is a building of worship, and the sanctum is the holiest section of the temple. But in Conan, some gods have temples, and others have sanctums.
Killing a Sacred Serpent
A sacred serpent is a creature associated with the god Set, the god of serpents. You may be a follower of him, and this was accidental, you may not have known it was sacred, or you just hate Set.
Disobedience of a Priest
This is most likely your priest because it wouldn’t make sense if it weren’t. There are too many gods and regions in Conan Exiles for that. In this world, if you choose a god, you follow them and their clergy.
Impersonating a Priestess
You probably thought it was funny, or you were in it to gain something, perhaps offerings. Many would agree that no matter who you are impersonating, it’s wrong. Identity theft is not a joke.
Question: Can You See Your Crimes in Conan Exiles?
Answer: Without mods or admin commands, you cannot see which crimes you have committed. The best bet is to take a screenshot when you make your character, which gives a nice little poster you may like to save anyway.
Question: Are the Crimes You Get in Conan Exiles Related?
Answer: No. They are randomized. You may get one for bad grammar and another for murdering someone. Hopefully, you can make them work together, but sometimes you have to work hard to tie them in.
Question: Can You Choose Your Crimes in Conan Exiles?
Answer: Not in vanilla Conan Exiles. But with mods like Improved Quality of Life, you can. There may be others, but Improved Quality of Life is a great mod with many features that make the game more customizable.
Choosing the Right Crimes for You
Every player I’ve seen has chosen or been given a different combination of crimes in Conan Exiles. If you don’t care about roleplay, then you can ignore your crimes. But if you do, it’s a good way to jumpstart your character.
Though some of the crimes are difficult to build a character around, remember that you can always create your redemption arc. Not to mention, times were different then. Live in the era, and you may see things differently.
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